


The moment I've been waiting for

by kasahara



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Drama & Romance, M/M, highschool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-04-21 17:51:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14290158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kasahara/pseuds/kasahara
Summary: Moving back to Korea, Jiwon expected to find the place where he belongs. Through friends, underground rap and a new someone, he starts to experience life in his country. While discovering his own feelings, Kim Jiwon will be taken aback by an unexpected fact: the underground isn’t exactly what it seems.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first chaptered fanfic. English is not my first language, so feel free to correct me etc. Feedback is really important!

_“Hanbin, you ready? Don’t make me be late, for fucks sake”._

_“Hey, hey, calm down, princess. The rappers are not gonna vanish in the air. It’s just a battle, ya know?”_

_“Just a battle my ass. Never been in the underground before, dude. That’s my chance, you get it? Being accepted, man. This may be the moment of my life.”_

_“Yeah, Jiwon. I know. You’ve been on this since you moved back. I got it.”_

I don’t think you do, I say to myself, choosing not to tell him that.

_“Well,”_ continued Hanbin _“you gotta pick a name, ya know? I heard that’s what people around there usually do.”_

_“Oh, I see. Bobby. Just like in the States. In some way, it feels like I’m going to be an outsider once more. It matches.”_

_“Whatever, dude. Bobby it is, then.”_

 

Finally, uh? My heart is racing and I’m way too excited. That’s how every boy should feel before his first underground battle. Rap means that, right? To feel. A lot.

We got here on time. Blessed be the Lord! (There I go once more; you can leave the religion, but it never really leaves you). Well, I am not really assured of myself, so it’s no surprise my hand began to sweat as I took a look around and saw all those people. To be honest, it’s not like a superstar show or something, with thousands and thousands, but I’d say the place is really full.

Show Me The Money was a famous event who took place in one of the dark suburbs of Seoul. I don’t think it would be a lie to say the area looks kinda dangerous. Either way, I’m not exactly afraid or anything. We are in Seoul, things tend to be peaceful around here.

So, I’m about to participate on SMTM. Man, I still can’t believe I really got through the “audition”. Hanbin told me weeks ago about this stuff and a day later I sent to staff’s email a video of me rapping. No one – except maybe Hanbin – could even begin to imagine how I freaked out once I got a reply saying I was eligible to participate. This is a fucking dream, man.

 

My family moved to USA when I was a kid, around 10 years old. Tough time, dude. America isn’t really the best in welcome, so no surprise the kids in school would bully me. My bunny teeth and small eyes were a joke to them. Until 15 I swallowed the racism and xenophobia, praying to God help me get a chance to move back to Korea. Rap was one of the few things that helped me endure everything. As I listened and began to wrote my own songs, rap grew to be part of who I am. 

Finally, 15 years old Bobby (I had already dropped the Kim Jiwon, being too hard for Americans to pronounciate) got his chance. You see, when we moved my brother stayed behind with an aunt. He was about to go to college, so he got a part-time job to help with the bills and refused to leave his country. Once he had finished his major and got himself a decent well paid job, he kindly asked me if I wanted to transfer back to Korea. I cried all night after saying yes.

I came back in time for the new school year. My brother found me a decent school and just some days after stepping a foot on the holy ground of Korea, I was beginning as a first grade Korean student.

Because my parents never stopped teaching me korean grammar, I was able to keep pace with the others. For the first time in years, I wasn’t afraid of getting bullied because I was a foreign. Even though I stayed away for too long and people wouldn’t consider me totally korean, instead of bullying me for that they’d just avoid me – politely avoid me, at least.

A month passed by with no great incidents. Learning more and more about my own culture, I started to relax and not worry too much about the “outsider” feeling that popped out in my heart once in a while. One day, at math class, Kim Hanbin asked me a pen. A friendship then was born.

Hanbin is the kind of guy who is not really easy to be with. Not that I found any difficulty in getting along with the first person in Korea who asked if I wanted to grab lunch together. In fact, Bin (as I call him some times) never annoyed me or anything like that. But he’s really stubborn and a little harsh – when someone makes a wrong move – so you see, people can mistake him for a difficult person.

In the process of knowing him better, I was also introduced to Kim Donghyuk and Song Yunhyeong. As I got close to those two, I also got to know Song’s boyfriend, Jung Chanwoo, but he didn’t really stick along with us, being from another school. Three months were all it took for my life to change upside down, as I finally felt like I had somewhere I belong, with people – besides from my family – who were kind to me.

Not long after we began to stick together, Bin told me about SMTM.

 

 

One hour passed since we arrived. People around here don’t seem to be punctual, that’s probably why Hanbin wasn’t worried about being late. Anyway, they are finally picking up the names for the battle. Holy fuck, I can hear my heart beating.

There are a total of 48 participants. It was deliberated that twice a month is going to be a battle. The first one will be some sort of warm-up, the second means elimination. The final will be in 4 months, when only 3 of us will have left. Then, each one will have the stage for himself or herself. At the end of the 3 performances, the crowd is gonna vote on the best one. About the battles, there will be judges each month to evaluate us and decide who stays and who says goodbye.

Today is the warm-up. I gotta show them what I’m capable of.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Jiwon-ah, you were so good! Hanbin-ah just showed me the video_ ".

I replied Donghyuk with a wide smile and a "thank you". Even Chanwoo had messaged me before to praise me for the battle. I know what Jesus said about humbleness, but I gotta say this: I was really stunning.

We were separated in 4 groups: HIGH, 420, Bounce and Illionaire (mine). I went up against DFD, from 420. He was well known in the underground and I admit I was nervous. The thing is, the guy was disgustful. He looked down on me as soon as we were on stage. From then on, I was no longer nervous, but angry as fuck. Coming back to Korea meant no more disdain towards me. You can't fuck with Bobby anymore, bitches.

I destroyed the guy. That's it. It was a 3-rounds battle and I won 2 of them. I felt like I finally had gone up against those bullies. I felt powerful, ya know. However, while walking out of the stage, all eyes on me, there was something off. It was like some people there didn't really expect me to win – and, to my surprise, were angry with me winning. All members from 420 and HIGH looked me in an odd way and I swear that as I moved past them, I heard  _"he doesn't know what he just did"._

Nothing could kill my vibe, but those words stuck on me, almost giving my victory a bitter sweet taste.

 

I wish all my worries concerned Show Me The Money, but I still had a school life and a brother to make proud. In order to accomplish good grades while working on my rap skills, I'd have to develop some organization method to help me keep track of everything I had to do. I felt like Midoriya, from Boku no Hero. It's not easy to follow your dream and study at the same time.

After the classes, I waved goodbye to my friends and went straight to library. I knew myself enough to recognize that as soon as I set foot on my room, I'd start to listen to rap and practice. Being like that, better come to a place full studious people.

Have grabbed all the materials I would need, I start to look around for an empty table. I see one nearly perfect – distant, almost hidden and only one occupant. Go for it, sitting across from the boy who was there.  _Ready to dive into my notes_ , I think, but then my attention is caught by the boy's notebook. Dude. Holy shit. Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki on the same cover. I don't even notice how intensely I'm staring at it because fuck, that thing is beautiful, until I heard a husky voice.  _"You into Boku no Hero?"_

Uh. As I look up to his face, ready to scream "YAASS", my heart almost skip a beat when I realize this angel Lord has created. A black-hair-cherry-lips angel. Where has my voice gone?

 _"O-oh, yes. You?"_  Dumb question, fuck. And my voice is trembling. To hell with first impressions, huh, Kim Jiwon?

 _"Well, I'd say it's pretty obvious I'm a fan, but I know what you mean. I've also seen a lot of posers around."_  Uh, not exactly what I was thinking, but it's better to get along with that _. "Have you watched the first episode from season 3?"_

Oh. I was so busy between school and practice that I completely forgot about season 3 _. "To be honest, I couldn't remember to watch. Kinda busy nowadays, you know? But tell me, have you watched? Is it good?"_

 _"You ask some obvious questions, I can see. Well, it's obviously amazing. Everything about Boku no Hero is."_  Ok guys, we have an otaku here! The friendship circle may finally be complete now.

 _"Sure, Obvious-ssi."_  I made fun of him, making sure to give him a cute smile so he would know I don't want him to get mad. Otakus get angry pretty easy, ya know.  _"Gon' make sure to watch as soon as I get home. Or maybe tomorrow... I'm definitely gonna watch it before next week!"_

He smiled while I finished my sentence. An one sided smile. I usually don't like when people give me one of those, because I feel like they're faking, but it looks like a cute shy smile when it's him. Handsome guys... always looking cute.

 _"I suppose you want to study"_  he said.

 _"You too, right? I'm sorry for disturbing you. Didn't realize I was staring at your notebook_ ".

 _"Don't worry, really. I've never met an anime fan around here, so I'm glad you stared."_  Putting his hand out for me to shake, he added  _"I'm Koo Junhoe, first grade A."_

 _"Oh, nice to meet you"_  I said, shaking his hand. Damn, it feels soft.  _"Kim Jiwon, first grade C"_.

 

After that, one last smile was exchanged and we got back to study.

Hours have passed since that first little chat. Since we were both first grade students, we were able to help each other in some subjects. Both being terrible at math, at least we could whine together. Right now, my body feels like a rock and my back hurts like hell after so much time sitting in the same position. As I begin to grab my stuff, getting ready to leave, a thought pops in my mind.

 _"Uh, Koo Junhoe-ssi?"_  I start, waiting for his mutter, meaning I can go on.  _"Well, not like we know each other a lot but... you know..."_

 _"Would you like to exchange numbers?"_  He cuts my sentence off and just throws at once the question I was too shy to formulate. I nod.  _"Give me your phone. I'll save my number and you can send me a 'hi' later."_ This kid is really straightforward.

 _"I guess it's time to say bye. Junhoe-ssi, it was really a pleasure. Thanks for all the whining over math"._  He gives me another smile – teeth and all, I feel honored. As I walk past the now empty tables, going back home, a thought goes around my head: I don't know if it's fair that God has blessed Koo Junhoe with the most beautiful smile the world has ever seen, but I feel grateful to be able to admire that.

 

 

Ten days have passed by and the second battle is only 3 days ahead. I'll have to face the same man again, that DFD. When I think about people's reaction, I feel nervous, so I'm trying hard to forget about it.

In the past days, my friendship circle has definitely been completed, being Junhoe now the otaku part of it. He already knows my friends, because he grabbed lunch with us a couple of times. Also, he has introduced us to Kim Jinhwan, a cute friend of his. However, they don't stick much with us, because they have their own crew. After classes, Junhoe and I go to the library, burying our faces in books, only coming back to surface to talk a little about animes, music and stuff. Yeah, he even knows I'm a rapper.

 _"I'm not really into rap. Not that I dislike it, more like never really gave it a chance."_  After I invited him over to the battle, he said _"I am willing to let you change the way I see rap, hyung, but I'm not going there. Just... wouldn't feel safe, you know?"_

 _"Aigoo, cute baby"_  I pat his hair, laughing even more at his angry-3-years-old-child-face. Getting closer to Junhoe means discover all sorts of things about him, including how he would drop his serious anime senpai façade and surprise me with a baby face.

Looking the trajectory of our friendship, I get surprised seeing how far we've come after just 10 days. Sometimes I think I only needed 3 months to feel safe around the other guys because until then I was too scared of human relationships. Probably the reason why I can talk a little more freely nowadays is because of those precious friends I made. This kind of thing makes me really grateful.


	3. Chapter 3

The day has finally arrived. Again, I find myself telling Hanbin to hurry.

_“Hey, calm the fuck down. You don’t wanna look like the desperate kid you are, right?”_

_“Fuck you, Bin. Desperate my ass. Just wanna get it over with”._  I haven’t managed to get rid of that bad feeling, the victory almost tasting bitter sweet. Hanbin doesn’t know about what I heard, that’s one more reason for him to be so relaxed.

 

The place looks even bigger now. Actually, last time I was so nervous I barely noticed my surroundings. The event begins at 7p.m. It’s an open sky place; besides the big stage, you can see skateboarding circuit, graffiti over the walls and what seemed like a parking lot. To my surprise, listening to some small talks I found out those were race cars. Then occurred to me that not only was there a place for hip hop, but also one with illegal races.

The thought of being caught in a place where a criminal activity took place sent shivers down my spine. I thought about Junhoe and what he told me, relieved he didn’t come, but at the same time worried about me and Hanbin. I then pushed my friend to an area with not much people around and told him what I’ve just realized.

_“Look, Bobby, no one will be notified about our whereabouts. Your brother doesn’t know anything about you coming here; he thinks you’re at my place, meanwhile my parents think I’m at yours. We are only here for the hip hop. Chill, bro. It’s not like we have our digitals on those cars”._

This too relaxed side of Hanbin kind of got in my nerves now. It’s like he’s not realizing the position we are in. I’m the one who will be at loss leaving this place, I’m the one who should want to relax and stay, but all I can do right now is worry.  _“How the fuck can you be so calm??”_

_“Look at me. Yes, directly into my eyes. Do you remember what you babbled about all those months? How you loved rap, how you just needed a chance to get up on a stage? Well, you wanna do this or not?”_

_“I – Oh, fuck it. I’m not sure about this, but once I’m here already, I’ll focus on the task in front of me”._  And it’s not like I have much time left to think about anything. It’s already 9p.m and I’m being called up stage. The battle is going to take place now.

 

Seeing his face, I know he’s done. He kept the same bad attitude – looking down on me, who must look like some stupid kid to him. Only that this time there was not only disdain but rage in his eyes. Well, I gotta say it’s really ugly for a sunbae to lose for an unprepared kid like me. But what is there to do? Sometimes the young know better.

He won the first round, almost stripping my confidence out of me. As I inhaled deeply, fragments of the last days went through my mind. All my dedication, practice and… Junhoe saying “hwaiting!”. What would I tell him if I went back as a loser? Grasping the mic tightly, I spilled the words as they came for me. Soon after I finished, I knew it would not have a round 3. He didn’t have anything to say, he couldn’t reply. Giving up, instead of a tie he eliminated himself.

I proudly bowed do the crowd, who were clapping loudly. However, as I lifted my head and looked directly into the crowd, I could see that the people near the stage weren’t pleased. To be more accurate, groups HIGH and 420 looked angry as fuck. I found myself between mad at those people and confused. 420 I can partly understand, once it’s DFD’s group, but what the fuck is wrong with HIGH?

 

To go out of the stage, we have to leave for a back entry. It’s like those festivals where the band comes from a kind of backstage so no one can go near them. Well, at least I thought it was the purpose, but seeing that there are some unknown people here, I’m not certain anymore. I look around, searching for Bin – I mean, if anyone can get back here, he could be around – but no signs of him. I bow my head a little over the guys, ready to leave, when I feel a tight grasp in my arm. Before my brain can register the fact, a punch comes right at my stomach, taking my breath away for a moment.

I fall on my knees, hands going instinctively to the place I was hit. “ _What t-_ ”

But I never finish my sentence, because a hand grasps my hair, pulling my head back so I can look him in the face. I’ve never seen these people before. Have they mistaken me?

 _“Welcome to Show Me The Money, boy_ ” says the owner of the hand in my hair. He’s tall and strong as fuck. I can’t move my head, I’m starting to feel desperate – and he can see this.  _“No need for the bulging eyes, kiddo. You’ll soon get used to things around here”_ , he finishes, finally letting go of me. My neck hurts.

 _“Oh, in case you weren’t warned before: people around here only go out after a loss. Also, if many lose their money after a bet, you’ll face a penalty. Oh, boy, I told you: no need for the bulging eyes. Don’t worry. Aren’t you amazing? Didn’t you just pose as a rap king? Everything will work just fine for you”_ , he says. Laughing.

He and what appear to be his bodyguards leave the backstage. As they walk past the door, that man’s laughter echoes in my ears.

Fuck my life.


	4. Chapter 4

_"Again, you were amazing, Jiwon-ah"._

I faked a smiled to Donghyuk, thanking him. Didn't want all my friends worrying. Hanbin had sent the video of the battle to our Line group chat, but fortunately all the bad stuff only happened backstage.

I haven't told everything to Hanbin. I repeated what the man said about the penalty, omitting the fact that I was punched. Wasn't certain of what to do, but telling Bin more of the story could do him harm. Well, after hearing me, the calm façade vanished, giving place to the already expected worried one. He had no idea about what to do, so I decided to take the responsibility all to myself.  _"I'll keep going",_  I told him.  _"I'll probably lose soon, no penalties or whatsoever"._

 

Some days have passed by since then, the next battle getting closer. Still, I wasn't able to stop thinking about the last one.

It's lunch break now and I can hardly eat. The gamble stuff is worrying me a lot. Illegal races, gambling... how the fuck would I ever imagine that criminals were hiding behind a hip hop event?? Judging for the reactions in HIGH and 420, they are all well aware of the situation. About Bounce and Illionaire, I can't be certain. Even though I'm on the latter, it's not like I'm friends with anyone. I barely know their names. Besides HIGH and 420, the others face this group thing only as a way of organization.

Everyone else in Illionaire and Bounce lost to the other two. HIGH and 420 are composed of sunbaes, some old school rappers well known in the underground. Meanwhile, my group and Bounce have rookies. Strangely, Illionaire didn't face Bounce, not even once; it's like there are actually only two big groups.

Thinking better about it... something seems off.  _Oh!_  They never thought any of the rookies would make it! All the bets must be on the sunbaes, the rookies being there only to make the show more fun. I must have screwed someone big time. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This got me so distracted I almost didn't realize my phone was buzzing.

 _"Hey, congrats on your win, though I expected to hear it from you and not overheard Donghyuk and Yunhyeong talking in the bathroom"_. Ouch. Junhoe seems hurt. Damn, why is everything going wrong way?

 _"June-ssi, I'm sorry. My mind is a mess right now, I can barely think straight"_. I already know Junhoe is not the type to dig for other secrets, so it's not like he'll put pressure on me to know all the details.

 _"Oh, sorry"_  I can tell he really means it.  _"We can talk another time"._

_"No, wait. Uh, do you want to go to the library? It's not like I can concentrate in the teacher right now, so I think... well, maybe being around all those books is more comfortable. You mind skipping a class?"_

There was a silence. I was beginning to conclude he was not that type of kid, when he answered.  _"Meet you there in 5"._

 

At the library, I find our almost hidden table empty. Okay, "our" may sound a little too much. But if one thinks about it, we're probably the only students sitting there. We've been coming here every school day for almost a month and I still haven't seen it occupied by anyone else. The reason must be that not only is that table hidden, away from the newest books and windows, but it's small and the chairs aren't as much comfortable as other ones. Gotta say I'm really thankful for that. Junhoe and I now have a place to call ours.

When my tall friend sits across from me, I almost forget about my problems. He puts his Boku no Hero's notebook on the table, opening it and getting everything ready to begin reading his notes. Only that I didn't want a study partner today.

 _"June-ssi, can we just talk about random stuff today? It's kinda empty here anyway, nobody will be asking us to shut up"._  Yeah, it already happened.

 _"Oh. Well, yeah. Sure"._  He probably thought I would be avoiding talking.  _"Actually, there's something I wanted to ask you"._

I was kinda taken aback, curious too.  _"Go ahead"._

_"Hyung, you know there are other ways, right? I mean, to get on stage. I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy, hyung. It's just that... why would a hip hop event take place in an area so distant? There are underground scenarios taking place in better areas, full of people and stuff"._

I felt that chill down my spine. For a moment, I thought June knew about something. But it looks like he doesn't really have an idea about what happens there, it's all an assumption.

_"Junhoe, it won't take long. I can't keep up with those guys, you know? All those sunbaes? Pff... I'll soon be finished. Don't worry"._

He nodded, but I could see he wasn't buying what I said – he was just too sweet to insist in a matter he knows I don't really want to go on about. It's incredible how he manages to look through me, realizing things with no need of words.

Sometimes I caught myself thinking about Junhoe in different moments of the day. If I see or hear anything related to anime, for example. Or when someone smiles or laughs and I think it's nothing like June's laugh. With all this shit going on, I feel like I'm not giving Junhoe the time I wanted. I wish I could be with him more, talk freely, but I'm always worried.

 _"Hyung",_  his voice brings me back to the present moment  _"you think about college?"_

 _"Not really. I'm determined to major in music, so I don't stress too much over it. I just need to keep studying with you, so I can feel more inspired by such a genius"_. I smile, not at my joke but after seeing his cute laugh.  _"What about you? You still don't know what you like?"_

_"Well, kinda always knew, just didn't want to accept. I thought I should major in something that would provide me with a well-paid job later. But the truth is, I wasn't really going to be happy, ya know? So... I decided to major in literature. Surprised?"_

_"Oh. A little, yes. But I think is suits you well. More important, I'm really happy you're going for something you like"._  I truly am. Junhoe is an awesome human being. He's kind to people, he treats his friends really well, caring for them in his own reserved way. When I look at him, all I want is to see him happy, shining, laughing and enjoying himself.

 _"Uh... that's not all, hyung. Look, don't judge me, okay? It's just that, well, I write poems"._  He stopped, glancing at me. I don't know what he expected. Maybe he thought I'd laugh at his hobby?  _"And... I wrote one for you"._  Wow. Now I'm surprised.  _"Don't get all excited, hyung. Haha. It's not much."_  He gave me an envelope. _"Read at home, okay?"_  I nodded, smiling fondly and putting the envelope in my bag.

When I looked to Junhoe, when our eyes met, it was like electric waves went through my veins.

 


	5. the poem

As soon as I got home, I went to my room, desperate to read the poem Junhoe has given me.

_“Love is alcohol_

_The more I drink, the more I get drunk_

_My face turns red and I can’t come to my senses_

_But when I sober up, my insides hurt and give me a tough time”._

After re-reading it, completely in love with Junhoe’s writing, I look for my phone, wanting to message him to say how I felt while reading. When I’m about to write, something comes across my mind. Then, I put my phone aside and begin to think about this month with Junhoe.

I must admit, I don’t handle feelings very well. After the bullying in the States, I started to take extra care with those around me. Junhoe is the first exception. I mean, I barely knew him, but there I was fooling myself for a month saying we were only studying in the library, when we were actually getting into each other’s intimacy. I told Junhoe a lot about my relationship with rap, how much it meant to me. By then, I already knew how he loved to read, how literature appealed to him – that’s why I was not really surprised when he told me about the major he had in mind.

Things were going super fast with Junhoe. If I’m to be honest with myself, it scares me. Why? How come two people become so fond of one another in so little time? In the back of my head, I think there was a voice telling me to be careful, even though all I wanted was to trust Junhoe with all my heart.

Now looking at this piece of paper, thinking about that moment in the library when our eyes met, that voice saying “be careful” gets weaker. It’s like Junhoe opened up completely when he wrote me this, so I should at least try to do the same.

 

Before I realize, it’s past 0:00 a.m. I’m still nervous about sending him the piece of song I’ve just wrote. I don’t know if I got his poem right, if I should tell him this. I still can’t figure out everything about the way I feel towards Junhoe, but I think I know enough to tell him these things I’ve written.

Afraid of losing a chance, I grab my phone, determined to send him this.

 

[June <3 chat]

 **you:** _“Where is love_

_Between you and I?_

_Even if one doesn’t know_

_The two of us know_

_On this lonely night_

_I wanna sleep in your arms_

_When the morning sun rises_

_We’ll go back to being friends”._

 

He already visualized. Minutes passed by with no response. All I can do right now is to hope I didn’t fuck up.

Too tired of waiting, I went to bed. I could feel I was almost falling asleep when my phone started buzzing. A notification.

 

 **June <3:** _“You and I are the sky and the earth,_

_Everything (about us) is so different_

_But we’re always looking at each other as we feel each other”_

Good night, hyung.

 

 **you:** Good night, June-ya.

_“You make my life complete”._


	6. Chapter 6

The warm-up battle went by with no weird things happening. This time, I was up against a guy from HIGH and it ended up as a tie. I left for the backstage with my heart almost popping out of my chest, but as I walked to the back entry, I realized none of those men were there. I was relieved. Still afraid, but knowing that for the time being everything was fine.

 

This time, I called Junhoe to inform about the battle. Didn’t want him all hurt again. The thing is, I’ve had completely forgotten what I had said before about losing to a sunbae.

 _“So, you are not losing.”_ His voice was cold. I screwed again.

_“Look, June-ya, it was just a warm-up. Of course he didn’t come with all he got. I don’t think I’ll be able to win the next one. Chill”._

 

Except that I did.

This guy had the same attitude as the last one. Arrogant, looking down on me. Disdain in his eyes. I could tell the warm-up was some kind of trap. He thought I’d get too confident, that I wouldn’t be prepared. This bitch was dumb.

I really thought about giving up, rapping like shit just to get rid of this place. As I got closer to Junhoe, all I wanted was to have time just for him. Also, I didn’t want him to worry. It seems like people are starting to spread stuff on internet about SMTM, how it’s dangerous, how no one really knows what goes on here. He’s been worrying about me for 2 months now. I feel like shit, like I’m failing as a friend. Failing as someone who wants to me more than a friend.

However, I can’t let people look down on me. When 3rd round began, the one that would settle everything, I remembered the punch, the threats. Instead of being afraid, I was fucking angry.

When the battle ended and the judges appointed me as the winner, the crowd was silent for like 5 seconds. After that, “Bobby” was all I could hear. That shit is addicting. Being the winner is addicting.

As I left for the backstage, I already knew who was there.

 

Hanbin can barely look at me. This time, I had to tell him about the beating, because it was too obvious. When I went on stage I was wearing a fine hoodie; when I got out, it was a torn one. Bin almost fainted seeing me like that.

My stomach and my back hurt a lot. I can barely sit straight, but I’m managing to hide that. Neither Yunheyong nor Donghyuk know a thing about it. They keep complimenting me about the victory. I thought it’d be kinda bitter, but it’s actually pretty good that my friends are recognizing my efforts.

At the lunch break, when those two had left the table, Hanbin finally looked into my eyes. _“Stop”._

I know what he meant, but decided to play dumb. _“What?”_

_“Stop. Don’t come back. They don’t know about Kim Jiwon, they just care about the fact that Bobby is fucking with their business. So, stop”._

_“Can’t. I’m already too close.”_

I was facing my food in that moment, but judging from the sound of the chopsticks hitting the table, I knew he was shocked. No surprise when I looked up just to see his bulging eyes.

_“No need for the bulging eyes, Bin. They won’t kill me, that’s for sure. I’m gonna win. It’s about pride now, right? You can’t fuck with a man’s pride”._

Hanbin was way too shocked to say a thing. That’s quite unusual. _“You’ve completely lost your mind. Pride? Weren’t you there because of your dream?? What the fuck is happening to you, bro?”_

I was about to reply when he cut me off. _“Think”._ He said, leaving me alone to eat lunch. Something inside me felt uneasy. I thought, maybe I should go after him… but then what? I couldn’t give up now that I was so close. It’s all going to end soon. I’ll fix this.

 

Afternoon classes went by and no words from Hanbin. Dong and Yun were starting to feel something was off, but I made up an excuse, saying we fought over the best girl group dance. Hanbin is known for his stubbornness, so fighting over something stupid is a thing he usually does.

After waving my friends goodbye – Bin still ignoring me – I went to Junhoe. But not in the library: this time, finally, we would go out. My heart was racing as I thought about it. I really felt like I was finally going on a date! Even though the invitation was more like “I want an Americano. Buy me one after school, hyung”.

I’m not really a Café guy, so I had no clue about which place we should pick. Having told Junhoe to choose one with reasonable prices, I let him decide by himself. We ended up going to a place called Sweet Dreams, really comfy and not that expensive. June found a hidden table for us and I thought it was funny how we always manage to be antisocial, hiding in a corner where no one wants to sit.

I can see how things have changed after that time when he gave me a poem. We didn’t really talk about what we shared, but slowly both of us were making some moves. We held hands sometimes, we called each other at night, when sleeping seemed as a difficult task to accomplish. I no longer was afraid of trusting completely in Junhoe and would tell him about my insecurities, my dreams, my hopes. Just like we’re doing right now.

 _“All that time in America made me think a lot about some stuff, you know.  I got really afraid of human relationships. Don’t laugh, but I have this Pooh plush that sleeps with me every night since I was litte. Ya! I told you no to laugh”_ Junhoe is giggling in that adorable way of his. I can’t even get mad at him. He’s truly a God’s creature.

 _“S-Sorry”,_ aish, he’s still laughing. Finally stopping, he proceeds, now with a serious face _. “For you to be like that… what really happened when you were there?”_

_“Uh, well… how can I say this…”_

_“Hyung, you don’t have to- ”_

_“Nah, that’s fine. Back in the USA I was being bullied, see?”_ I can sense Junhoe tensing up, but he manages somehow to not let his facial expression change. _“School sucked. I didn’t really feel like I had friends, just some good classmates who would have pity enough not to screw with me like the others. I felt lonely – yet, I never let my parents saw that. It was really hard to build up a happy façade for their sake, but they already blamed themselves for moving there, I didn’t want to get things worse”._

Silence settled down. June’s thinking of something, I can tell. Finally, he speaks.

 _“In the beginning, I thought you just didn’t like me that much. I-I mean, yea, we don’t know each other for a very long time, but it always seemed like I was the only one really interested in those small chats. For a time, you were distant, like your mind was somewhere else. With time I figured you were like that because all the SMTM stuff, but something still felt off.”_ He sighs _. “I think that the first time you were completely real with me was after I gave you that poem. Anyway, now I can understand you better.”_

Come to think of it, in the last two months all I really worried about was Show Me The Money. At first, I was afraid I might get caught up in the middle of criminal activities. After I realized most people there didn’t even have a clue about the gamble (and weren’t into the car race) this fear was slowly going away. After last battle, all I felt was the need to win. Win, win, win… that’s consuming me.

I always knew Junhoe was kinda sensitive. It was as if he could distinguish between my states of mind. If I felt like talking, we would be having some small talks and laughs during our time at the library. When I was stressed out, he would just sit there, talk random stuff from time to time, but never really putting pressure on me to know the reason I was being like that or whatsoever.

I got so used to the fact June could read me well that I never really felt like explaining anything. If I look back now… how did _he_ felt? I don’t know if I’ve asked myself this question before. When I was with him but my mind was going elsewhere, how did Junhoe felt? Suddenly, I feel uneasy. It’s like I did wrong with him in ways I never imagined before.

Once again, he seems like he’s just read me _. “Don’t stress over it, Jiwon. I already got used to the way you act. Sometimes you’ll be really soft, sometimes kinda harsh. I think you never realized that”_ , he gives a weak smile that doesn’t suit him. _“But it’s okay, really. I think SMTM is consuming you… but you told you’re not going anymore, right? You’re probably going to have more time to focus on other things at hand”._

Wait, what?

Holy shit. I never told him I’ve won the last battle.

 _“Hyung, are you still listening?”_ It seems like he said something after that, but my mind can barely focus. I don’t want him to get mad at me, Bin’s on this already. Should I… lie?  _“Hey, hyung… by any chance are you still on SMTM?”_ He seems worried but there’s something else there. It’s like he’s kinda hurt too.

 _“No, June-ya. I’ve truly lost”._ I know it’s wrong, but the words just left my mouth. I don’t want to lose the thing I’m building here, Junhoe is precious to me. As I see his face lighten up, I think it was the best to do.

 _“I’m relieved- ”_ He stops himself, making that ‘shit-I-made-a-mistake-face’. _“I mean, uh, sorry. It’s just that, ya know, there’s definitely something going on around that place. I’m certain of that, hyung. I just, I don’t want you near a dangerous place. But it’s not like I don’t support your dream, okay? I really, really do, hyung!! I’ll always support you. Just… not in this case. Not if I think you are in danger.”_

He sounded almost desperate to explain himself. Being an artist (he writes poems, so), he really gets what it feels like to not have anyone to support your dream. To Junhoe, I wanna be the person he can count on. I want to be supportive, I want to take care of him. I want him to come to me for help. I wanna be that one he writes poems for. That’s why I can’t let him into the SMTM business. It’s too risky and I can’t make him worry even more. Instead of worrying, I want him to feel… other things for me.

 _“June-ya, stop worrying, okay? When you think about me, let go of all the uneasy feelings. I want to make you smile”_ I can see him blushing. _“So, trust me, everything’s fine now. Whenever I am with you, I’ll be 100% present.”_ I grab his hand, caressing it while looking directly into his eyes. I feel like I could lose myself in him. _“I’m here for you. From now on, know you can count on me.”_

As I sense his hands caressing my own, his eyes tenderly looking at me, I think about the words missing on my sentence. _I’m sorry_. But I just don’t get to say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed enough to leave a comment~  
> thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

After that talk with Junhoe, our relationship got way better. When we call each other at night, sometimes we spend hours and hours talking about all sorts of things. Once my brother leaves work pretty late, he and I barely see each other. We often go through a week saying “good morning, have a nice day!” until is Sunday and we can finally spend some time together. As things go, I find myself lonely in this empty apartment. Talking to Junhoe is the thing that has been warming up my nights. Well, these talks and Pooh – I have to be fair here.

The warm-up battle came and went by with no great incidents. Another tie – I’m getting used to it. I should be happy, but aside from lying to June, I still have to deal with the fact Hanbin is barely speaking to me. When DK and Yun are around, he pretends nothing’s wrong and I almost believe in that lie. But as soon as they go elsewhere, he goes back to acting cold. Bin is a stubborn bitch and to worsen things, he’s right. It’s dangerous. Still, fuck it, I’m doing anyway. But if I’m going to be completely honest to myself, the fact that Hanbin didn’t show up to the battle really hurt me. I was there alone. For the first time in months, I felt left behind.

 

Lunch break and all I can think about is Koo Junhoe. Apparently, Jinhwan got a boyfriend, so he’s grabbing lunch with his man today, leaving bae all to me. I mean, giving June more time to spend with me. This bae stuff got to me because Dong and Yun won’t stop using this word, it’s like a drug that you get addicted to. Obviously only the word and not the person you use it to refer to.

I’m extremely glad to see how they all are getting along well. Junhoe is not the most talkative, but Donghyuk and Yunhyeong can surely make up for that. We are all laughing at jokes and even Bin is having fun with me. Gotta say I missed making him laugh. I’m so focused in enjoying this peaceful time with Bin that I don’t notice the subject Yun is bringing up around June. When he calls my name and I look to Junhoe, I instantly know something is wrong.

 _“Hyung, you haven’t told Junhoe-ssi about your last win?? He was so taken aback when I said it”._  Yunhyeong meant no harm. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what he has just done. Still, I feel an urge to yell at him to shut up. I don’t, obviously. Anyway, it isn’t going to fix anything. It took just a moment for Junhoe to process everything he heard and in seconds his facial expression was a mix of resentment and angriness. Muttering “sorry” he stands up and leaves the table.

I fucked up big time.

 

It’s already 9 p.m. and things didn’t get any better. Actually, everything went downhill. After the incident, I went after him. Junhoe was angry as fuck, in a state I never thought I’d see. I thought he would yell at me or something, but he was as cold as ice. Every word leaving his mouth was sharp as a knife.

 _“You. Are. A. Fucking. Liar. Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. Don’t you dare try to explain any of this. You told me I could count on you…”_ he gave me an ironic laughter  _“I can’t count on someone who hides things from me”._

As he got ready to go on walking, I tried one last attempt. Grabbing him by the pulse, I said  _“Wait, June. There’s a reason”_  I wasn’t sure he’d stop, but he did. Standing still, barely looking at me, he began to talk again.

 _“If you lied, you probably already know the kind of things that go around there. Don’t worry,”_  he added quickly. There he goes, I thought, reading me again.  _“I’m not asking questions”._  I must admit I almost felt relieved for this. “ _Just gonna tell you this: I’m not going to see you go down because of greed. Yes, Kim Jiwon, fucking greed. It’s not about a dream anymore, not when you lie to someone who cares about you; not when you put yourself at risk.”_  The more he spoke, the more fear took over me. For the first time, I was afraid of losing him.

I still wanted to say something, make him see why I had to do all of this. Why are they so blind? Junhoe, Hanbin… why are they turning their backs on me?

 _“Jiwon,”_  his cold tone almost made me shiver _“you want to keep winning, right? so… go. Just go.”_  I wanted to stop all this, I wanted to make up an excuse, but I couldn’t find the words. Why can’t he understand?  _“But… just don’t look for me, okay? Let’s stop. This… thing that was going on between us, let’s just stop”._

_“What the fuck, June? It’s almost as if you’re trying to make me choose.”_

He smiled a painful smile, his eyes showing how hurt he was.  _“Choose? Ain’t giving you options here, Jiwon. I told you: let’s stop. This is a decision I’ve made. Let go of my arm, please.”_  I was so lost I didn’t notice I was still holding him. It all seemed unbelievable. Why am I losing everything like this, that was the thought in my mind.

 

Junhoe went on walking with no more words. Not even once he looked back. I tried sending him messages, but nothing came from him, even though he visualized every single one. His voice echoes in my head, over and over and over. I still can hear “let’s stop”.

Suddenly, my phone buzzes. My heart jumps and starts beating like crazy. Has Junhoe forgiven me? I unlock it, praying to God that I can see a reply for him, but ends up it’s a message from Hanbin.

 ** **Binnie**** :  _Don’t go. I know it’s happening tomorrow. Drop it. You’re ruining every relationship you have! Can you remember the last time you properly talked to Donghyuk or Yunhyeong? They cheer for you and pretend nothing’s wrong, but they are hurt. And now, Junhoe. What’s wrong with you, man? Stop this already._

Once more, I’m surprised by my own selfishness. Never once have I thought about how Dong and Yun were doing, if they needed help in anything. The 4 of us used to go out, play games and stuff, but since I began rapping underground it’s like I forgot about everyone else. Last Sunday I even told my brother I couldn’t go out with him (I was busy practicing). I saw how taken aback he was, even though he tried to hide it. Still, I kept practicing.

I know I have to let go, but tomorrow is the last battle until the finals. If I win that, there’s one last step. That’s all. I’m so close to teach them not to fucking look down on me. I don’t think I can just walk away.

 ** **you**** :  _Bin-ah, I’m almost done. I promise you_.

Message visualized. No replies, so I put my phone aside.  _God, if there is still anything that can go wrong, now’s the perfect time_. Nothing. Fortunately, not even God get my requests. As I go on thinking about Junhoe, some verses come to me. I write them down, wondering if I’ll ever have the chance to sing it for him.


	8. Chapter 8

The day has come. I pretended I was getting ready for school, but as soon as my brother, Jiun, left for work I changed back to my pajamas and went upstairs for practice. I’m not exactly proud of what I’m doing right now, but I have zero strength to face my friends. I know I messed up, that’s a fact. The thing I don’t know is how to fix this.

Hours passed by quickly. I hoped to hear from Hanbin, until 6 p.m I expected him to send me a message, to say he would go with me. But there was nothing. With the loneliness and the guilt as company, I left home.

 

I was the last one to go on stage. Every battle made me anxious, I just thought about getting shit done and leave. Illionaire and Bounce kept on losing every battle until now, what was probably expected. Every time one of them went off stage and back to the crowd, he would be welcomed by a hug, a pat in the hair and a “well done”. That was making me even more miserable. If I am to win today, who am I celebrating with? Who is gonna be here for me when I come down?

Finally, my name was called upstage. I was going against Monster, another rapper under 420. I ain’t nervous about it, I feel uneasy. As I go up stage, all I can think about is my friends. How I hurt Donghyuk and Yunhyeong by not paying attention to them, how I hurt Hanbin, how mad Junhoe got at me. My heart aches every time I remember June saying “let’s stop”.

I thought I’d never feel this lonely again. Not just lonely, right now I feel lost, like I don’t belong anywhere. Being here now, on this stage, I look around and there’s nothing in here that gives me joy. Monster is looking at me, disdain in his eyes, same as the others. Only this time it doesn’t make me feel anything. I’m not angry, I don’t want to prove myself. Who am I trying to fool? Junhoe was right – I got greedy.

Today, I should be the one to start the battle. Monster is looking at me as if he was saying “what is wrong with you? Go on”. I’m not sure anymore of what to do, but as I take another look around I realize the first thing is to get out of here. This is not my place. Taking a deep breath, reuniting all the courage I have within me, I drop the mic on the floor and start going off stage. I can hear Monster making fun of me, the crowd yelling “sucker” but my mind barely processes this. Right now, there’s another task at hand, an urgent one: to go through the back entry. I didn’t forget about the penalty one has to suffer.

As soon as I get my foot backstage I see them. That weird man and what look like bodyguards. Seconds is all it takes before the first punch, this time right at my face. I fall to the ground and immediately there are kicks and the pain grow stronger and stronger – until I can barely feel anything. Finally, it stops.

They start carrying me through the back entry, walking until a corner and dropping me on the ground. There are obviously people around, but they act like there’s nothing wrong. _“Kiddo, your situation seems kinda… ugly.”_ He turns his back on me, ready to leave, but it seems like he just remembered something.

 _“That was your penalty. You were lucky, ya know? Last month you guaranteed us some good money and today that disgraceful scene of yours didn’t cost us much. Even though you turned out an unexpected surprise, Monster was still the favorite.”_ Torturing me a little more by putting his foot on my abdomen, he adds, as I almost scream in pain, _“You thank God and take all of this as a lesson. Don’t ever talk about anything you saw here. Actually, forget you were here in the first place. Am I clear?”_ he presses his foot even more and the pain is so strong I can barely mutter “yes”. Then, they finally leave.

I feel like sleeping. My body aches so much I can’t properly move it, forget about getting up. Laying on the ground, I realize there’s blood on my face. My heart is beating faster and faster as I began to worry about my current state. There’s only one option now. Reuniting all the strength left in me, fighting against the urge to cry and scream, I take my phone off my pocket. Its screen is broken but it seems to be working just fine. I see there are some notifications, but not even take a look at them, too worried about calling him.

 _“Hey. I presume you went to the battle anyway, so why are you calling me?”_ His voice is sleepy, but he still manages to be cold.

 _“Hanbin-ah”_ I begin, my voice almost cracking up as I feel the tears rolling down my face _“I really need your help right now. I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry”_

 _“What? Wait, what happened? Are you okay? Holy shit… did they get to you? Are you hurt?”_ His voice is no longer cold, but desperate. I quickly answer, telling him I can’t leave by myself _. “I’m coming, okay? Hyung, don’t worry, I’ll come for you right now”_.  He then hangs up and I know he will do everything to get here real quickly. For the first time today, I don’t feel lonely or left behind.

I wonder... how the heck did things come to this point? Why couldn’t I listen to them? Fuck, Jiwon, how did it all happen? It all began as a dream but it turned out to be a fucked up mess. Everything went downhill. And the pain won’t go away, I feel like I’m going mad. As minutes pass by, I realize there are not many people around. Not only are they ignoring me, but they don’t want to be seen anywhere near me. Somehow I manage to crawl until the nearest wall and sit, back on the cold concrete. It cost me all the energy I had.

I want to shut my eyes and let go of all the pain, but I’m too afraid of what might happen if I do this. Also, there’s a certain someone in my head that I’m urging to talk to. I just want to hear from him, anything’s fine. I take my phone on one hand, unlock it and go for June’s chat. I’m hella surprised to see there’s a message from him.

 **June <3**: _More than rising up together with you,_

_I would like to crash together instead._

_For some reason, I would like that to happen._

_Rather than sharing the serenity and relaxation of rising up,_

_I want to share the sadness and pain of crashing down._

_If we crash together, no matter where_

_I think we would really be able to realize what love is for the first time._

Tears began to roll out of my eyes without me even noticing. I can’t even lie to myself anymore about what I feel for Junhoe. The way I act towards him, the way I look at him when I think he won’t notice. Even my friends already know that. When I thought I’d lose him, I got anxious and desperate. I truly didn’t know what to do, because all that SMTM shit left me blind. But I wrote him a verse and I’d like him to hear it. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the chance to sing it for him, but now seems like the time.

I press the record button and leave him a voice message.

_“I know I still lack many things_

_I keep making mistakes_

_But I just wanna let u know_

_That I am just young and Imma fool_

_I know I’m not satisfying you right now_

_Little baby_

_But take a little time for your only one_

_You know, baby, I’m love with u”_

I put my phone on my pocket as I hear Hanbin desperately calling my name. He gets to me, helping me stand up. My body hurts so much I feel like throwing up, but I manage not to. All I can think about is laying somewhere to sleep, but I can’t make it too hard for Bin, so I try to help while he carries me. We slowly walk out of that place and Hanbin asks for a drive through an app. As soon as he put me in the car, I pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still lacking writing skills, sorry.
> 
> that's it.  
> that's the note.


	9. Chapter 9

After being driven home there’s not much that I remember. Because Hanbin’s parents were out on some sort of vacation, we came to his house. I can vaguely recall him putting me out of the car, completely desperate, carrying me all the way to his bedroom. He helped me take off my clothes and somehow he managed to get me to the shower. Also, knowing my brother would be home worried, he called him and came up with some excuse. Next thing I knew, I woke up in Bin’s bed dressed up in clean clothes.

Hanbin was by my side when I opened my eyes, looking tired as fuck. He told me that apparently I didn’t get any broken bones whatsoever and it wouldn’t be hard to make up an excuse for the bruises on my face. I’d call it lucky, but probably those guys didn’t want me grabbing too much attention, so. The major damage was on the upper body, which I could hide even from my Jiun hyung.

I still couldn’t get up properly, so Hanbin gave me some painkillers. I decided the best thing was to rest a little more and then head home, using the time being to come up with an explanation good enough to give to my brother.

 _“I’m happy this is all over. That’s really the only thing I can come up with right now. I’m still shocked after everything that has happened. When I got there and saw you laying on the ground all by yourself, I blamed myself a lot. I should have been there with you.”_  I was about to cut him off to say he shouldn’t feel like that, but he made a signal that told me not to.  _“I know what you were about to say, but that wasn’t really going to change the way I feel right now_ ”.

We talk a little after that, the conversation being interrupted by a phone call from my brother, who wants to make sure everything is okay. I think it’s good to prepare the ground, so I spill I had gotten into a small fight with some random guys. He’s starting to make a lot of question such as “what happened?” and “why didn’t you call me?” but as if suddenly realizing this is going nowhere through a phone call, he stops himself and tells me we’ll talk later. Maybe I’m screwed, but I don’t know if my life can get any worse.

Meanwhile I am on the phone, Hanbin go down to the kitchen in order to cook us something. I ain’t exactly hungry but I suppose he’s starving. I go after him and wait patiently for the meal. Frying the eggs, Hanbin suddenly starts talking about a delicate subject: Junhoe.

 _“You see, he called me a few times. Apparently, you thought it was a nice idea to send him a voice message while you were crying in pain.”_  Hanbin is giving me the ‘are-you-stupid-or-what’ look _. “He already knew about the Show Me The Money stuff, so I didn’t exactly lied to him. I told him you were kinda fucked up but he didn’t need to worry ‘cause everything was going to work just fine. He didn’t buy that, I could tell, but he didn’t ask much after”._  Junhoe is always being the comprehensible one.

I wanted to call Junhoe, but I didn’t exactly know how to explain the whole situation. Also, I didn’t want to lie again, so I thought it was better to tell everything at another time. However, after hearing what Hanbin just said I feel uneasy. So, I grab my phone and look for the chat window with Junhoe. It’s full of worried messages, such as “hyung, are you crying?”, “hyung, what happened?” and “fuck it, I’m calling Hanbin”.

 

 ** **you**** :  _“June-ya, I’m really, really sorry. I’m going to tell you everything, but now it’s not the best time. I promise you I won’t lie again. Just… please, give me a few days, so I can go to you and explain all this shit.”_

I can’t let him see me like this, a walking mess. I want to be able to stand up properly and hug him next time I look at his face. I want to apologize while holding his body near mine.

He replies really quickly.

 ** **June <3:****  _Don’t take too long_.

Ouch.

 ** **June <3:****  _Get well soon, hyung._

 

Even though I desperately wanted to be with him, it took me three days to be able to stand up properly, not wanting to cry after every step. My brother called the school, coming up with some excuse, so the teachers wouldn’t be desperately calling home to know my whereabouts.

End up our talk wasn’t as bad as I thought. He was more hurt than angry, because I called Hanbin instead of him. I told Jiun hyung I was in a hip hop event and Bin already knew how to get there, thus made more sense to call him. Jiun was still sulking but he accepted it. Even though he could sense the lies in my sentences, he felt my resolution not to tell more than I already had, so he didn’t push any further. Sometimes Jiun is more like a friend than an older brother. I can’t say that I mind it.

Donghyuk and Yunheyong called; they were not completely aware of the situation, but had already gotten some updates from Hanbin. I apologized for the way I was acting and it seemed like everything was fine between us.

 

Going back to school with bruises on my face is not exactly a good idea, but it’s not like I can be forever locked at home, so. Besides, I’m finally telling everything to Junhoe. Even though we’ve been talking during the past few days, he doesn’t exactly know what happened. We kinda avoided the subject, like, everything about it, even the verse I sang to him.

I message him as soon as I get to school, expecting to see him soon. However, the reply says he’d rather we met after school when we can talk properly, no interruptions. Well, he got a point; it’s not a story I can let anyone eavesdrop. I send him an “okay” and head to class along with Hanbin. Once Donghyuk and Yunhyeong don’t get to take math with us, we planned beforehand to grab lunch together.

I surely don’t even want to think about this day. I heard so many “what happened?” that I came to hate those two words. Teenagers are kinda disgustful, if you think about it. They ask how you are doing, if you need help, if everything’s okay at home… pretending they care about you, when in fact they just have the need to feed their curiosity. I hate people who act like that! I would prefer they honestly said “Hey, Jiwon-ssi, I’m curious about what the fuck happened to you”. Society, please be more honest!

 

Anyway, I am finally going to see Koo Junhoe. All the things that happened made me think a lot about us. After hearing him say “let’s stop” and facing how I was (still am) afraid of losing him, it was like my thoughts got clearer. That verse I sang to him was an attempt to show my true feelings, how he grew on me, how I fucked up and how much I needed him to forgive me.

Instead of the every-day library, we decided to meet at Sweet Dreams. Whenever I think about our last time here, guilt tries to take over me – it was the day I lied to him. Today, I was the one to first suggest we came here, mainly because I want to replace that bad memory with a better one. I want to start again with him; I want that “let’s stop” to mean “let’s stop with the lies, the unsaid things, the not-so-present Jiwon and let’s try again”.

Right on time, he walks through the door. We didn’t come together because I had walked my friends to the bus stop a while ago (I also want to reconnect with them). Junhoe looks at my direction and I make a sign so he knows where I’m sitting. He walks through the other tables and not much after we are facing each other. The moment our eyes meet, he smiles brightly. I missed this.

 _“So, hyung, shall we begin?”_  He laughs, making himself comfortable – well, as much as it’s possible, given the fact he’s way too tall and these are not the best chairs. As I tell him the story of my mistakes, his facial expressions go from horror to shock. This time, he doesn’t try to mask anything, reacting freely.

 _“From next day on, nothing really happened. I stayed at home playing LoL and re-watching the last two seasons of Boku no Hero_.” Seeing his expression turning to a sort of ‘can’t-believe-it-hyung’ I remember too add,  _“And I obviously studied the notes you sent me. Yeah, definitely”_. He laughs, breaking that ‘responsible-dongsaeng’ image. My heart jumps in joy seeing this as I wonder if he gets any idea of what he does to me.

_“I’m in love with you”._

Wait-

To the sight of his face turning red, I realize I said that out loud. Geez… that was not exactly how I’ve planned to confess! I mean, I wanted to make it kinda cute. I didn’t even get to say sorry first. Aish!

_“Well-”_

_“Hyung,”_  there he goes cutting me off  _“before you start saying you’re sorry, I want to read you something. Because you sang that for me, instead of reading in a message I want you to hear me being honest with you”_. He speaks looking directly into my eyes and in this very moment I swear to God I could drown myself in those.

“ _When I tell you that I love you_

_I’ll hug you with a warm smile_

_I want to let you feel it._

_With the words ‘I love you’, I want to let you feel my heart_

_With the smile, I want to let you feel that it’s not a lie_

_With the hug, I want to let you feel how much is my love for you”_

He rests his hand and the paper on the table, signaling he finished. Shyly looks up, red cheeks and shoulders tense. My hand goes to his, caressing it, as he finally looks to my face. The moment our eyes met we know there are no more words that need to be said.

 

We get up, ready to leave the Café. Holding hands, we walk past the door to a quiet street. We walk in silence until the bus stop, allowing the fresh air to touch our skins and fill our bodies. Feeling his hand in mine makes my heart quickens and I can barely contain my excitement. Everything still seems surreal.

Turning to look directly at him, I let go of his hand just to grab his face. His cheeks are getting hot and I see the red spreading all over. Still, he doesn’t look away, not even once. As I caress his cheeks, I put our faces closer and closer until I can feel his breath. I’ve never felt so intimate to anyone all these years. It’s like I belong right next to him. I look into those eyes one last time before I close mine and place my lips in his.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I still need to improve a lot, but I'm happy I was able to write this.  
> Thank you for reading and I hope you could enjoy!
> 
> One more thing, I used Junhoe's poems and Bobby's lyrics. For the eng translations to June's poems: @ikonOT7 and @ikonmypride (twitter); for Bobby's lyrics: Genius.

**Author's Note:**

> One more thing: I'm posting this fanfic at Asian fanfics (kurok0) and Wattpad (kasaharaa).


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